Rocking Muses

YA Muses are having another contest/giveaway and all week have reposted tons of valuable writing advice. Their story is inspirational–seriously, check them out, especially today’s post. Really wish I was going to SCBWI-LA this year so I could meet them in person. If you’re heading to the conference, have a great time and rock out at the pajama party and take lots of pictures. I will be with visiting family and doing the usual tot-bottom-wiping, fixing 5 to 10 meals a day, probably not drinking sex-on-the-beach and staying out until 1:30a.m. with my sisters, but definitely rising way too early as my son, excited to see his Iowa cousins, embraces 6:00a.m. with all lights on and plenty to say, such as, “Mama! My cousins are here! I’m so happy, Mama! I’m so happy!”, the cuteness factor just about slaying me for good. Motherhood for PB. Who knew?

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Believe & Succeed

Frooooodooooooooo...

This month’s inspirational/motivational quote glaring at me on the calendar by my bed desk states the following (said in the throaty/heady voice Sir Ian McKellan uses when Gandalf):

B E L I E V E  &  S U C C E E D

Below it is a quote by George Allen (RIP):

“The big thing is not what happens to us in life, but what we do about what happens to us.”

To which I respond with this (said in that eerie Lord of the Rings whisper):

“Froooodooooooo…Gollum, Gollum…Froooodooooooooooo…”

George Allen also said:

“Persevere and get it done.”

Right on. Many useful key words. But the combination of Believe & Succeed moves me the most, reminds me to persevere and get it done. Gollum. Gollum. Excuse me.

Calling all Hobbits (especially those who prefer highlights in their hair and sleep with their manuscripts under their bed pillows): Pick your a**es up and throw those rings in the consarned fire(s), already! Or die (or—you know—not really die as lots of you have baby hobbits and gruff though adoring husbands and a kind of thriving domesticity—barefoot thriving domesticity, of course—so dying is, actually, totally out of the question unless strictly metaphorical) trying.

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Quote For The Weekend (Sunday Post-Reveling W/Family Edition)

"Ladies! Let us ALL request shots of sex on the beach, please!"

What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined
for life – to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.

~George Eliot

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Tra La La

You heard me! One Diet Coke. Now, lady! Now!

And now there is no time to be afraid of anything as tomorrow my son and I once again head N.O.R.T.H. Our beach awaits. As do sisters and cousins and beachside cafes and grilled cheese sandwiches made by someone other than me, a haircut and many things strictly botanical with pgymy mammoth bones thrown in. Tucked into the minivan, ready to roll first thing in the morning (along with way too much luggage), are my copy of The Tiger’s Wife, a tides chart and the first five chapters of Trouble, all nicely printed out with revisions in place, coming with us. I’m eager to sit on the beach and read, the surf and view detangling writing angst, which is such a waste of time. The angst, I mean. Not sitting on the beach, working, while he plays with his cousins and the rest of the world dreams. Tra la la…

If there’s one thing I’m really good at, it’s working on the beach. Productivity Ions zap me between sand castle making and exploring tide pools. My future desk is on a beach. It is made of sandstone and has no legs.

If I’m lucky, there will be dolphins.

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Avoidance: 10:30a.m.

Also comes in red.

Terrified to read my latest revisions, terrified to admit terror to self-terrorized Self, I have: Vacuumed, cleaned the parakeet’s cage, vacuumed, watered outside, worked out (oh the lengths my terror shoves me), and almost resorted to brushing the dog. Made a smoothie. Stared at the slightly slimy bottom of the empty kiddie pool. Got a fat lip from pursing a kiss to the bird. Etc.

I have carted my extra-crucial and vital revised 3 pages near the beginning of my novel from the guest room (where the wireless printer lives) to the couch to the dining room table to a patio chair where they are a brown cushion’s display in breeze-less morning heat. I myself have returned to the couch, nursing my lip, listening to the dog woof deeply at the neighbor’s noisy electric fence as it closes. And I’m gazing at the back of the patio chair where my pages are being eyed by the kitten resembling a creamsicle.

How long can this go on? No, no, not much longer. I am a lucky woman to have time for avoiding my writing, but the truth is I don’t have time for avoiding my writing and this is sinking in. With the next sip of coffee.

Bravery is hard-won in me. Unless someone or something is threatening my child or animals. In which case, on some Harvard-like reality scale, revising should be a task in which there is no fear, ever. Life! Ha ha.  You kill me.

Going outside. Will sidle over to the patio chair. Going to beg my inner Tasmanian Devil (the red one consumed in its furious, effectively agitated tornado-self) for a visit. And then I’m going to walk on broken glass.

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Quote For The Weekend (Late Edition)

O Lilli!Because we visited friends over the weekend whose backyard is a mini-Disneyland, because of the heatwave, because of my son’s excitement over the rocket popsicles I made him, because I napped, read, slept in, let my revisions stew and did not work out, I completely forgot to post my Quote For The Weekend. So here it is. On Tuesday.

If I had to give young writers advice, I’d say don’t listen to writers talking
about writing.

—Lillian Hellman

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See World

"Stay alive and don't get caught!"--Anon

Soon, this extremely amateur marine scientist, dolphin lover, anti-orcas-in-big-pools-putting-on-shows type, One Who Is Against Ray Petting Whether 2 Fingers Are Used Instead Of Your Whole Hand Or Not As You’re Still Diminishing The Ray’s Mucus Layer And Once That Happens They Get Sores–You’ve Seen The Sores, Haven’t You? Come On! Haven’t You!!!, lover of sea animals swimming freely in the ocean where they belong, even sharks, even maneating sharks—soon this very person will be accompanying her little sister and several sure-to-be-out-of-their-minds-with-excitement kids to IT: Sea World. The forbidden theme park.

The awful truth is: I want to go. There. I have confessed. Do I feel better? Well…

I want to see bottlenoses up close, gaze at orcas, marvel over rays (but not touch them), and go on what appear to be really cool rides. I will be doing writing research. I will be the freak in the crowd jotting down bits about sheen, teeth, spines and what it feels like to walk through a transparent tunnel swarmed by sharks. I will also be the mother delighting in her son’s reactions to being up close and personal with the marine life he so admires in his books and that fill his bath tub and paddle pool. I know I’ll be choking back tears as the captives perform, which is why I will be wearing a pair of tastelessly large Paris Hilton sunglasses. As we wander the forbidden exhibits, I will be remarking upon conservation, respect for wildlife, the dangers of pollution and overfishing and shark fin harvesting and gill and drag nets and thinking wild animals are our friends when in fact they are wild animals and somehow I’m going to make remarks without sounding hypocritcal. Oh, PB—no, no. An impossible task. Because when your son and his cousins grow up, they will know that despite your well intentioned remarks, you—YOU—bought a slew of tickets to: IT. When your son is grown and working as a marine scientist/diver/conservationist/deep-sea submersible operator at the prestigious dolphin rescue facility in Florida, he will joke to his fellow scientists/divers/friends and co-workers about the time his mother took him to—to—oh dear. Perhaps he will even mention his trip to IT on the marine scientist lecture circuit, in auditoriums filled with school kids, to a packed house at Carnegie Hall.

I honestly don’t enjoy going against everything Ric O’Barry  has been fighting so tirelessly for. I feel awful for betraying the cause. Again. As I’m also a member of the LA Zoo and have visited the Long Beach Aquarium Prison Of The Pacific more than once, I can’t help but worry about my ticket purchasing. I’m worried about the Japan dolphins. I’m worried about the whale sharks on display in aquariums in Japan, China, Taiwan and Atlanta, Georgia. I’m worried about rays circling and circling their petting pools and getting stabbed by a gazzilion two fingers. I’m worried about big, beautiful bull sharks held in tanks the size of modest suburban swimming pools, not to mention great whites. I’m worried about jellyfish cooped up in glowy aqua capsules, not to mention octopuses. I’m worried this post will come back and chomp me in the a** one day—maybe tomorrow.

But I’m still going.

And I won’t forget my notebook OR pen. Or the coupon that will get all the kids in free (there is that, anyway)…

And I will report back.

I heart Flipper.

Sigh.

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Quote(s) For The Weekend (Carmageddon Edition)

Imagine this pass with no cars on it...

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.  ~Peter De Vries

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.  ~Dudley Moore

The longest journey begins with a single step, not with a turn of the ignition key.  ~Edward Abbey

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Watermelon People, For Instance

The Watermelon People

My head and my brain are still at the writing retreat, clicking away, processing vitals, etc. I hope they are enjoying themselves. I returned home with my son to a house packed with visitors both human and canine, dinner for 8 to prepare and an ailing husband who at 5a.m. the following morning ended up in the ER and at 10p.m. the following evening ended up in the ER (he is fine, just fine now, all better—mostly—thank you). I have not stopped moving and busying since we returned home, except for the occasional powernap, and now it’s Friday and all of Los Angeles is freaking out about Carmageddon. Here, I take a huge, deep breath: Carmagedblrrrrgh…

Head and Brain have sent me some wonderful images taken at the retreat—bits that fascinated me as I wandered hushed retreat rooms late at night, thinking, sipping a glass of wine, enjoying the quiet and the cool sea air wafting in through tall, vined windows. Sometimes I was typing at 1am, so no–I didn’t sleep much at the retreat. My son slept, which is beyond wonderful—I love to see him exhausted from mass exposure to Nature. But I didn’t. Sleep. Much. Which is, actually, when I really think about it, abso-f***inglutely fine. Yes, it’s been a chaotic week, but retreats are once-in-while treasures. Pardon me. It just felt appropriate to—****. (Currently, in my part of the world, the moon is full and everyone knows that when the moon is full, it’s high tide in your brain…)

Isn't She Lovely

I was so excited to be at the retreat, I was almost too excited to work. One freakout did occur—it had to do with my looming birthday (it’s not until February, yet it looms), not having a literary agent—YET—and there’s a particular tricky section in my first chapter—but see the lady in the cowboy hat and hip heels? She calmed me. Just studying her for 10 minutes calmed me way down. “Chill, honey,” she said. “Clink shot glasses with me and train your ears on ocean sounds wafting in through these slap-my-ass fabulous rectangular windows. Chill, Mama(cita). Just. Chill.”

As I sipped my wine and studied her I just knew she was the sort of woman capable of handling first chapter struggles, that, in fact, she’d stare down an entire manuscript until she had it tamed, and that nothing, certainly not a Carmageddon, could break her creative spirit.

Whoosh, went the ocean, drawing me to the windows. And then I played the piano and then I opened my laptop, just breathing everything in. Everything.

Hopefully my head and my brain will return this weekend. I’m ready for a showdown with my first chapter and the 275-ish pages beyond.

Carrying All Vitals
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The Baby Blessing (With Writers)

The 12 Pages Of Bliss

So the baby blessing took place in my mother’s faintly overgrown backyard, guests’ heads thunked by falling trumpet vine blossoms (they are as large and as heavy as some sandwiches), the mingling of shadows and vines and succulents forcing the sun to do that magical dappling-of-life number that can be so very relaxing. The blessed babe wore white frills and was draped in thin blue ribbons and other appropriate blessing bits administered by the handsome monk in a three piece suit. As the ceremony progressed, I found myself utterly moved and in each moment, as Zen as the Zen blessing itself and despite (or because of?) the 12 page prayer we all recited. A breeze sent from the ocean toyed with our hair, the blessed babe’s ribbons and our prayer pages: Lovely, I thought, glancing at my husband, worried he might not be into it—but he was chanting, too, and going-with-the-flow and this made me happy—not that he wouldn’t go-with-the-flow, he’s very open to new experiences (he is a writer, after all)—but it was nice to see him enjoying himself and not at all bothered by 12 pages of recitation. He was sitting next to our little boy—who was watching the blessed babe intently—sitting next to my niece, sitting next to the sliding glass door, through which I could easily spy the generous buffet for when it was all over. I studied the blessed babe’s parents whenever I looked up from the 12 page prayer, mommy obviously in a happy place, chanting, daddy bouncing his little cherished on his knee, my mother’s yard transformed into a pretty bit of temple in the world, a sweetspot, a Zen-O-Rama patch working its Om on us. I can’t believe I just wrote that. But I’m being true to memory, for once, and at the time I thought, again (with a growling stomach): Lovely.

The post-blessing-feast also took place in the backyard, at a long table with an ample collection of trumpet vine blossoms. Attending were parents, a piano teacher, the handsome, super-stylish monk, grandparents, a famous mystery writer, a runway model, an adorable three and a half year old boy, my niece, a copywriter and his wife (she an obviously struggling writer), a screenwriter, a former equestrienne, a radio airtime ad salesman and a housewife—some titles and descriptions mentioned above belonging to all and the same person (Om!).

The famous mystery writer asked me to describe my middle grade novel. So I threw her my logline. The monk perked up right away, brows raised. “She’s only 11 years old and she has to rip the mutant’s heart out?” he asked, either astounded or impressed by the climax of my novel, I’m not sure. “Sounds interesting!” said the famous mystery writer. And we all discussed middle grade books we remembered reading as children—and we all, each one of us, remarked upon the importance of books stretching imagination and requiring thinking-readings from young audiences. I asked the famous mystery writer if the revising process ever ends. She shrugged and stabbed her tender poached salmon with her fork—more than once. “There are some books I would like to go back and revise even now,” she told me—then shrugged. “But nevermore.” Or something like that. She said something like nevermore. And the monk (was he wearing a Rolex watch—if so, it suited him—a naturally elegant man—you would like him) launched into his telling of meeting the boy destined to be the next Dalai Lama. Or he met the reincarnation of the last Dalai Lama—I mean the one before the current Dalai Lama. Or maybe all Lamas are one and the same. I’m not sure. But it was a beautiful blessing and a fascinating lunch and the first-time parents and their baby are even more special in my eyes after that day in an ordinary, faintly overgrown backyard transformed. People did that. People just came right on in and made magic together in suburbia. Fascinating.

Listen!

Om…

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Quote For The Weekend (Late Edition)

Writer's Outlet: Night (w/sweetly tinkling fountain...help! It's so pretty and romantic! Where is my focus? This is impossible!)

On Writing Retreats:

“WTF!”

—-Anonymous (but I happen to know she gets highlights in her hair)

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Retreat

O Beach

Tomorrow I go off the grid and to my borrowed writing-house, get-away-pad, writing-retreat-with-fountain for a few days. Since there will be no wireless connection, I will revise sans the usual distractions (Facebook, The Pioneer Woman, Yahoo “News”, hulu) while my son eats his meals, naps, plays with his Made In China plastic fossils under the crepe myrtle tree, and certainly whenever he sits on the potty with a book. The rest of the retreat will consist of inundating the inquisitive, energetic preschooler with beach, natural history museum (and its live, aggressively friendly butterflies), and botanical gardens in a city far, far cooler, less crowded and more interesting than the one we currently live in. The only thing missing? Daddy. You thought I was going to say a nanny, didn’t you! Shame, shame. Shame…

Besides, my mom lives in the same town. She is requesting priceless grandma-grandson time. I plan to honor this request.

I cherish spending time with my son. I am excited about our outings, always.

However, a solo beachwalk never fails to solve plot conundrums, bring fresh inspiration, put a vital pink back in my cheeks and feed me—well–infectious joy. For me the beach is Museland. Spa. Eco convention with free dolphin show. Bliss.

I am looking forward to my beachwalks—and showing up again later with my son’s hand in mine—and seeing the ocean through his eyes.

I may be a struggling artist, but these are the best days of my life. I hope someone throws this post in my face the next time a rejection has me wailing at the stars. Silently wailing, so I won’t wake the boy. Or upset the needy dog. Or freak out the cats, causing them to pee on my bare leg in the dead of night—again.

Hello, retreat.

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Quote For The Weekend: Holiday Edition

The American Flagfish (captured edition)

The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation.

—Jimmy Carter

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When I Write

Why would an alien wear a fedora?

I might wake up many times during any night due to:

  • Nightmares involving fedora-wearing aliens intent on making off with my son.
  • The certainty that I have heard a loud noise, which means rising from bed and checking my son’s room and the rest of the house and turning on the laundry room’s light, thus ensuring protection from an invasion of Aliens In Hats until dawn.
  • Absolutely nothing at all, just waking, ding-dong, waking up, hi.

Returning to bed, or lying in bed recovering from the nightmare, I will probably think this: I’m up–I will stay up and write–I will stay up and eat-breathe-sleep a poem or chapter of my middle grade novel.

But knowing my son will rise between 5:00 and 6:00a.m. freezes my body. I cannot rise, twitch, or make the tiniest of typing motions. If I don’t sleep, I counsel myself, I will be a rat’s nest of fatigue during the day and I can’t do that to my son.

Lying in bed, physically frozen, my mind has no problem racing through a sad list of naggings that may predate my own birth and involve people I’ve never met, moving on to a poem I might be agonizing over, or a tricky section of my middle grade novel and just when I’ve mentally got IT, the IT that will finish or enhance poem or character trait or chapter ending, I–zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Moving right along…

After the little guy waves me out of his classroom, I hightail it for home and my bed office. Ignoring glaring domestic goddess issues, I pull up my middle grade novel and all its marketing trappings, or I snatch the pages of my novel that the printer just spit out, retrieve my favorite pen and lean back against my pillows in my office chair or my fingers dogfight over my computer’s keyboard or I reach for The Sea Around Us to fact check something and I’m oof and I’m ugh and I’m seeing in paragraphs and there is no such thing as a Swiffer or chicken flavored hairball remedies for cats or dry cleaning and–it’s time to pick the little guy up from preschool.

And I splash a little water on my face. And probably brush my teeth because there wasn’t time earlier. And I wade through the pet hair in the living room to the shelf where my car keys live, right there next to the dusty spine of The Golden Notebook. And I leave to fetch him with the kind of smile a parent is supposed to have on her face because it’s the kind that can change the world.

When I write is the same for any writer–every second counts.

I wonder how I’d look in a fedora…

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YA Muses Again

The Muses!

More good, interesting news at YA Muses. Now all four talented ladies will have books coming out in 2012. I love this! I love how they got together, kept communicating, started a blog. I love that they consistently share valuable information Monday through Friday. They are VERY generous with their time! I love that they say if it can happen for them, it can happen for others. Being able to check in with them is a blessing, it really is, for writers searching for agents, writing tips, hope and stories that inspire. They definitely instill me with hope when I’m dejected. I highly recommend visiting the Muses.  I’m looking forward to some fascinating reading in 2012. (My goodness I’m a gusher!)

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Going Home

Zebra Muses

The problem with zipping up to my hometown some weekends is not the going-home-traffic turning 75 miles into 750, not that I rarely get any writing done because of the endless activities, not the June gloom (kindly vanishing for the Solstice Parade), not that we return home laden in thoughtful gifts (homegrown zucchinis, party plates, beach tar on our feet)—the problem is that I don’t want to leave.

Why would I want to leave a town that has this in it? Or a homemade Godzilla chasing housewives wearing leopard print poodle skirts and yellow dishwashing gloves? Or men in grass skirts wearing giant papier mache hammers on their heads? Why would I want my husband and child to leave such mental/visual treasures for a valley so hot you can cook a steak on your lawn chair?

The stuff novels are made of!

Why would I want us to leave this? This beauty? This impressive chunk of creativity? Hm?

 
 
 

Where I receive ideas.

 I want to move North. I’m a better writer North. My son blossoms around family and the beach. My husband belongs in my town as much as I do. Today, for the entire 75 miles back to our sweltering valley, inching along the 101, we talked about how we might make our move happen. We are still reeling from ideas. Or floundering.

O giant rolling watermelon: Help us. We want to come home.

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Harsh Is Harsh

 

O Virginia!

Read the 30 Harshest Author-On-Author Insults In History, compiled by writer Emily Temple for Flavorwire:

http://flavorwire.com/188138/the-30-harshest-author-on-author-insults-in-history

Here are a few samples:

27. Harold Bloom on J.K. Rowling (2000)

“How to read ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’? Why, very quickly, to begin with, and perhaps also to make an end. Why read it? Presumably, if you cannot be persuaded to read anything better, Rowling will have to do.”

29. Robert Louis Stevenson on Walt Whitman

“…like a large shaggy dog just unchained scouring the beaches of the world and baying at the moon.”

21. Lord Byron on John Keats (1820)

“Here are Johnny Keats’ piss-a-bed poetry, and three novels by God knows whom… No more Keats, I entreat: flay him alive; if some of you don’t I must skin him myself: there is no bearing the drivelling idiotism of the Mankin.”

12. Oscar Wilde on Alexander Pope

“There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.”

6. W. H. Auden on Robert Browning

“I don’t think Robert Browning was very good in bed. His wife probably didn’t care for him very much. He snored and had fantasies about twelve-year-old girls.”

4. Mark Twain on Jane Austen (1898)

“I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ I want to dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

3. Virginia Woolf on James Joyce

“[Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.”

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How Do I Really Feel

Arrrrrgh!

When an agent lets me know why he/she is passing on my manuscript after a request to read more (but not all), do I honestly appreciate the feedback? Do I? As I morph into the spitting image of Munch’s scream subject (obviously a multiply rejected author!), consider taking up cigar smoking, mountain climbing (because why not do it physically as well as mentally), swimming with chum-crazed great white sharks, watching 127 Hours until my brain explodes and/or asking the nearest erupting volcano if it accepts non-virgins as sacrifices? Do I? Eh? Do I?

Because I have a little boy who needs me, none of the above are options, nor is drowning my frustration in all the sweetly potent summer cocktail recipes Sunset Magazine displays in their latest issue. We have breakfast between 5:30 and 6:00a.m. around here. An icy pitcher of berry mojitos followed by an icy pitcher of rye-based sidecar knockoffs in any evening just won’t work…

I orbit erratically back to this post’s question of the day: How do I feel about the Standard Rejection Letter vs. an Agent’s Honest Holy Smackanoly Opinion—and all that opinion might or might not (nicely or not nicely) imply or flat out—um—sigh. Orbiting again.

Oh, just ask me tomorrow.

It’s cookie time.

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Quote For The Weekend

PS. They’re real

“I need an hour alone before dinner, with a drink, to go over what I’ve done that day. I can’t do it late in the afternoon because I’m too close to it. Also, the drink helps. It removes me from the pages.”

—Joan Didion
 
Hmm…Sounds nice. If I have a glass of wine in the evening it “removes me” completely by sending me to sleep.
 
 
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Quote For Saturday

Easy reading is damn hard writing.  ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

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Piddlings

Great White Shark Kitten---And Piddler

I printed out a “finished” poem and left it on the chair next to my bed desk. I left the room. When I returned, I discovered that fearless, scratches-inflicting, wild, out of control, great white shark-mouthed and terminally cute Diggory-The-Kitten had piddled on my creation, following in Cat Steps Of Lore belonging to Uncle Al and Rudy-Kkkat. It’s official: All of our cats hate my poetry. Or—love my poetry so much they piddle on it—repeatedly (thank you, Al and Rudy). Funny how no one around here ever piddles on my husband’s random paper bits—or maybe it’s that he keeps most things on the computer (wisely). Al and Rudy do piddle on my husband’s piles of workout wear should they be left in a piddling-possible place…Okay. Look. All piddling must stop!

But really—I love our little menagerie, love teaching the parakeet to say Pizza Piadino, love watching the kitten watch my son play trains as our 75lb labrador pretends he’s a lapdog (in my lap). I am laughing. Ha ha! (Zzzzzz…) Now where’s my Muse.

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Monday Tussle

She's just saying hi...

Welllllllll…Soooooooooooo…It’s one of those mornings when you use that refrain as you do a Trader Joe’s run, a shoestore run for the little guy, a Target run and a Lowe’s run because you can’t live without knowing if they have Lantana or whatever the heck that flowering bush is that looks like irresistible fruity-tooty ice cream: “Yeah! That’s it! See? I’ll work on my novel this evening, see? Yeah! See?” (said or thought in thug-ish New York accent)

And then you get home and you: Blog.

Oh, PB. What are your choice words for this month? Perseverance and Focus. Say them, sweetie-pie-sugar-plum-mud. Savor them and not the spoonful of Trader Joe’s Wine Country Chicken Salad you shoved in your mouth after checking Facebook. You had a million inspirational fits over the weekend and you used them well—go see! Go see what you did. Face your edits and all that lovely criticism you received from the marvelous YA Muses (lucky woman!). While you’re at it, start paring down the use of exclamation points at any given time, whether speaking or writing. And remember what your husband told you last night as he shut down his laptop and stretched his creaking joints: “PB? It’s begun.” Remember how that statement thrilled you? He’s begun writing that thing! You felt so excited for him. And then he told you, “It feels daunting.” And what did you reply, PB? You replied: “It’s always daunting in the beginning.” Quipped before you even knew what you saying. A quip from your gut.

You are not at the beginning, PB. You are fathoms into revising your completed manuscript. Think ocean. Think swells. Think sea pinks and fact check the length of the greatest great white shark’s tail, then embellish.

Persevere.

Focus.

The end.

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Special Windows

Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.

—Eskimo Legend

RIP Cousin Carolyn. You are missed.

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Then, Suddenly

We crawl out of the masterpiece, brushing beach sand from our legs, welcomed by pets, baby birds hatched and complaining in the former lantern hanging from the patio’s eaves, floors that need attention (especially behind the stove that is being replaced) and a lopsided gazebo that must be dismantled immediately as the wind-gusts that followed us home tear into it. Domestic chaos blooms—and it is good to be here in our personal late Spring mayhem, unpacking, reorganizing and then stopping all that to play soccer with the boy who stops all that to gallop with the dog while the parents recline on cool grass (until they’re trampled).

Then, suddenly, somewhere between dinner and bathtime, I check email.

She was only my age. No one knows, yet—apparently may not know for weeks—the how part. She was here and then she wasn’t. She is gone, but will never leave our thoughts or the house in which it happened, not for the sweet family who carry on living there. I always thought I’d see her again. This I took for granted. We all—family on this side of the country—did.

Then, suddenly, later that night I am seized by a flu. I lie awake fretting, my insides ebbing into illness, thinking about her, wondering if she knew, if it happened in her sleep, too fast for her to register a pain, a fear, any dire certainty. I almost wake my husband to tell him—what? It is just the flu, I think. You have a son to raise tomorrow. Sleep. But I can’t sleep because I’m remembering her, thinking bits such as: Death is only a horizon. Fragments. I think in fragments that enrage and frighten me. I know nothing, except that I am sorry. So sorry she is gone.

In the morning, the warm Spring persists. Details are sorted involving the sending of flowers. More emails are exchanged. Words shared. Shocking. Devastated. Awful. Of course we all want her back, but more than anything I want my cousin to have her sister back. I rise from my sickbed to behave like a mother. My son tries to make me laugh. There is that cat and that cat and that kitten. The dog plants his nose on my mouth. Outside, rose petals wafting, those tiny birds carrying on, bumblebees doddering in the potato vine tree.

Carolyn—I have no idea what death is. Carolyn! You will always be missed.

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Notes From Here

Beach as mental equalizer (despite persistent wind). Impossible to crack open a book or uncap a pen here (though not because of wind). The way the sand is riled, looks as though whole, transportable cities (twirling towers of particles) are whisking past my stripy towel, perishing on the bare legs of my husband and son as they search for anemones on those sun-baked rocks out there. I peek over my rock-break until wind sends me a mouthful of grittiness and I’m ducking again. One glance at the ocean has me dreaming and scheming about my novel. Shoot to the next morning as my husband and I powerwalk the still wind-rushed beach. I ask him what he’s thinking and for the next forty minutes we’re sharing thoughts on our writing. This is where the ocean sends us—straight to our creative projects. God how I wish we lived closer!

Posted in Avoiding My Writing, books, Fiction, Me and Us, ocean related, Santa Barbara, Writer's Angst, Writing, Writing Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment